Clouds-I agree, you can accept or reject anyone based on the criteria you cite. I can also speak to the words you used concerning figuring it all out. It seems cruel and awful and ugly after reading here, some books and doing some research. That feeling you describe, for me is like this; I feel like a complete fool at first. But then I consider that I was a little kid, wtf did I (or do I) know about any of that-the feelings, sexual part, etc. What I'm left with is how unfair it was-the actual events and the consequences for me. What an awful confusing, terribly destructive thing to live with-factor in some alcohol...
I've found it's only that way if it's a secret, most of all TO ME. I am working on accepting it, part of that is actually feeling the 'real' anger of what happened, the unfairness, terror, etc.
I own a punching bag, I don't 'ideate'-put a face on it and beat it up hardly ever. I like the movement and have been an athlete all my life. I enjoy the physical expression of anger-it goes somewhere,and I also enjoy the movement/exercise/precision of it. Whatever I'm feeling or works.

Substance abuse can make anger much worse-alcohol being a biggie, but anything that you repeatedly put into yourself to dull feelings/ptsd symptoms will fail sooner or later. Those failures of chemicals to do what you expect, tolerance, etc can be interesting, lol.

I have been and go back to where you are. I go back less now, that shit will eat me up if I let it. I want to get somewhere, however that works.

PS- I vote 'fuck em' too. I have little to no contact with entire family and am better for it. May not work for everyone, but for me it's very effective at having better life and 'seeing clearly' as you mention.
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"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski