Welcome to MS. Your story, like so many others here, is a terrible burden for you to carry. This is a great place to meet some of your needs for validation and fellowship with men who have had similar experiences and feelings. Please read as you feel able, and post when you feel comfortable doing so. There's no pressure here, no judgement, and no condemnation.
"Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more"Kansas