I'm posting on the forum because I need a wider audience for an idea that's probably somewhat offensive, and that will probably trigger angry reactions. I guess I just need to speak my mind and have some feedback to bounce off of.
My perpetrator was my mother (I feel guilty even being on here because the abuse wasn't overtly sexual, but that will require another post entirely). To keep it short, she fondled me when I was around 5, formed a relationship with me that can be basically described as covert emotional incest, slept with me between from 14-20 (caressing, kissing, stroking etc. though there was no sex and she never touched my penis/genitals). It's messed up my sexuality (though it's better than it was before), made me prone to panic/anxiety attacks, dissociated etc. I'm still financially dependent on my parents so I still have to face her back home, and when I do there's plenty of emotional abuse, manipulation, and seductive behavior.
To the point now - my thought today was I need to forgive her in order to move on. And for me, forgiving means accepting that things couldn't have been otherwise. I know she was abused in her childhood as well, by strangers (men) and beaten by her mother, probably by her father as well. All that, I think, translates to her behavior and for her abuse of me. I don't think forgiving means relinquishing my anger, which is justified - a mother does NOT treat her son as a husband, partner, an object for physical (and it was probably sexual too, for her) gratification. But I'd like to replace my hatred with forgiveness. And I need to be more assertive - defend my boundaries when I'm with her, and be clear about how I feel and think about certain things, and defend those boundaries/thoughts/feelings.
I guess the most difficult thing for me at the moment is, I feel sorry for her. It was mostly bad memories, the ones I have of my parents - but there were some moments when I thought my mother and father showed genuine expressions of love for me, and those kill me. I want to hate but I can't. So I can't give my hatred the weight it needs in terms of expression - I have to suppress it and pretend like everything's fine. But I'm really exhausted of doing it and I can't keep pretending, so I need a plan B. I suppose I need to stop wishing that they'd change for the better too, because if they've been behaving that way for so long and rationalizing/blaming/minimizing things for decades on end, it's pretty delusional to think that they can stop. Just accept them for the abusers/bystanders that they are, and work on self-assertion/-defense to reduce and prevent further damage.
"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago