I, too, have major fixation on penises, and fantasize about other guys and their girth/length, is he gay, or will he suck me or let me suck him? I remember telling my T that I remember holding my cousin's penis in my hand before he would coax me into licking or sucking him while he got erect. I was abused by him from the age of 5 to 13; he was the "golden boy" the chosen "good kid" babysitter. He tried to penetrate me but never could fully because he was so big; I remember how it felt, his trying and accompanied whispers to relax and let him in. He was a star football player, handsome, built, six-pack, and large penis. Our sessions usually entailed me stroking his package and scrotum, and tasting it while he told me how good it should taste to me. I remember being taken by how large he was, and the smell of him, that man smell that I know of now because I have that smell. It's crazy; I try not to stare at other guys, but I do all the time. I hesitate to make friends with guys and stay guarded because of it. At the gym I try not to look, but the energy is overwhelming. I want to see, I would to admire the ripped bodies around me and stroke the swinging penises I try to see. I'm married and love sex with my wife (It's damn good typically). I have no desire to live and build a life with a man, however, I fantasize about sex with other guys constantly, and how big their penises may be. I'm ashamed that this gets me off in the worst way, but the urge is so strong to have sex with these men that I worry that I will, and in it, destroy my life; my urges have grown drastically stronger over the years, and when I'm upset, or stressed, all I want to do is find a willing guy..... (Can't believe I just said all of that) (Angry, embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, depressed, and erect) but trying hard not to be... trying hard not to be caught in the shadows of my abuser and this abuse. Trying hard to be a husband, friend, brother, and father that I can be proud of.....Lots of the time, I feel like I'm going crazy; how could a straight guy be so fixated on sucking cock? To even say it, makes me want to scream inside, I want to crawl out of myself...3 months of therapy down....hopefully, not a lifetime to go.......
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"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)