Hi everyone, I'm having a rough time and I need some advice.
My H has been going to his therapy sessions and seems to be doing quite well these days. Now that he is on track (I hope), I feel like I am hurting big time. I always knew I was hurting when we were in the thick of his issues. Somehow I carried on. I think I just pushed my pain down because I wanted him to not feel bad about hurting me because I knew that added to HIS pain. Now I feel like I'm letting all of my pain from the past two years out. I guess I really thought that when he got better, I would magically get better. I know I have major codependency issues. I made an appointment with a new therapist and am going with a friend to an Al Anon meeting.
In the meantime, I have been doing some pretty bad stuff--things I would never do. Like look at his phone, computer, email...total invasion of his privacy. I feel terrible about it. I told him each time I have done this recently and he is growing more and more angry (understandably). One side of me feels like he deserves it and should be okay with it because he hurt me so much (that is how I justify the snooping around). But I know I can't hold all of his past crap against him or we will never move on.
The really bad thing (or good thing, depending on how you look at it), is that each time I snooped, I didn't find anything bad. So I just feel worse that I can't trust him. He's pretty mad at the moment.
I just did not see all these feelings coming. I really did think that when he got better, my pain would just melt away. I feel so na´ve...
How do I trust again? I feel like I'm in an endless cycle...
Your advice is appreciated.