Sage,

Sexuality is complicated enough without CSA clouding the issue. However, I think you might want to consider the possibility that if you are especially / primarily / ONLY same-sex attracted to your very closest male friends, that it might be a case of "situational / strongly identity-based" homosexual desire. In other words, not your default identity, but something that you really do feel towards one or a small number of people. It might or might not be from the CSA, but regardless the ultimate question is the same:

What are you going to do that will LEAST damage your relationship with your friends, WHILE allowing you to feel sane, honest, and happy?

Let's just talk about that one friend who is obviously comfortable with intimacy with you and who allowed matters to progress to some degree of experimentation. If he's still close friends with you afterwards, he's obviously okay with that. But if he didn't reciprocate - well, there are a surprising number of straight-identified guys out there who have relationships like that, where one buddy "takes care of" another every now and again.

The trick is... it kinda doesn't sound like that's what you want. It sounds more like you really want love, want equal treatment, want someone to desire you as much as you do them.

If I'm wrong - if you're happy with the thought of a "repeat" with that friend and wouldn't feel like you were missing anything - then I'd say there's a 90+% probability that he'd go along with it again, repeatedly. But if you're hoping for a more mutual, equally invested relationship.... I highly doubt you'll find one there.

And you've no interest in seeking out some random man for a relationship because he's not your best friend.

Yeah, I've.... been there.

I would humbly suggest that if you try to "redirect" your affection for him into less sexualized contact like hugging or whatever.... that it will just become sexualized again. If you hug a guy you want to be with, SOMETHING will start, even if only on your part.

So if you don't want there to be a physical element that will not be fully equal / mutual, you might want to consider just leveling with him - talking to him about why what happened happened, how you feel, and how you're not sure what you feel. The man kissed you, I doubt he'll exactly run away screaming. Make no mistake: up and telling him will probably *remove* the likelihood of further intimacy, but it's also even more likely to make you closer friends because he sees how much you trust him. And maybe by just redirecting those thoughts into hanging out more, into an occasional joking reference here or there.... you might feel like you can express yourself, like it's not a secret that tears you apart, but without overcomplicating the friendship with a variety of physical intimacy that you're not sure meets your needs.

Just my $0.02.


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny