I donít really have time for this. Iím trying to write this stupid essay that has to be in by Thursday and Iíve barely started (because I donít have a fucking clue). The whole thing is stressing me out. And this stuff wonít leave me alone. I keep drifting off into it.
I donít know how far back its normal to remember things? Lately Iíve been clearing out boxes that came from our old house and thereís all these diaries and stuff my dad wrote about me when I was really young. Every time I read one I think I remember what he was talking about, but I donít think I actually remember it. Its more like I can just picture myself doing whatever it was. This was from when I was maybe 2 or 3.
A couple of weeks ago I had this picture come into my mind, of when Iím about 4, where thereís my uncle and some other guy. I donít know if its like reading the stuff my dad wrote, like Iíve just made something up and now Iím imagining myself in that situation, so it feels real. Then recently I was reminded of something else that happened, so Iíve been thinking about that (not on purpose) and now Iím wondering if the two things have maybe got jumbled together?
A memory I had from age 4 that I always thought seemed a bit weird just slotted right in to the abusive memory. I always said my life was great up till age 10. What if everything I ever thought was a lie? My uncle did later abuse me. Like starting about age 14. Would he do something to me age 4 then do nothing for 10 years? He had plenty of access to me through that time. He was my coach and stuff. He was actually my idol all the time I was growing up. Even (stupidly) when the abusive stuff started. But he never seemed to like me. I always wondered what I did. Maybe itís something to do with what happened back then?
How would I know if a memory is real if itís something that happened so long ago? And since I donít think it affected me at the time should I just leave it alone? Itís hard now itís on my mind a lot though. Got to get back to essay writingÖ But thanks for reading.