I'm going to post this here rather than in a new thread because it represents a continued evolution of my thoughts/feelings along the same lines.
subject: losing my faith. Don't proceed if you don't want to read about that.
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW UP
my healing isnt promised.
If i don't do what I need to do
go where I need to go
learn what I need to learn
I can't expect recovery.
There are people in my life
who don't deserve my trust
to keep giving it to them
is to deny myself my love
There is toxicity in some people
it is real
I am not to blame
I am not mean if I sense it
I am not insane
"Ever patient, ever kind"
words they say to waste my time.
"Wait on God" -- their constant con
To stop my life from moving on.
If you believe a ride is coming
You never learn to walk
If you think God will give you words,
you never learn to talk
If I stay in this hole,
There is no God who will find me
If I dig myself out,
can I put it behind me?
I don't know.
But waiting didn't give me strength
I never rose up on wings
And even Jesus was weary
From the pain that life brings
praying and getting no response
stomach turning wondering what is going on
why isn't he here?
And even if he does answer me ...
Why not the other kids who hurt?
hiding behind theological justifications
of how "free will" makes him impotent
how he loves us so much
he ignores us.
Its time to stop
being angry at God
Time to stop
being paralyzed by hope
I am all I have
and that may not be enough
But it at least forces me
to walk on my own two feet.
Edited by Jacob S (03/02/13 04:19 AM)
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller