Kerry, or Jolly Giant,

You have a lot of disclosure, but not a lot of therapy on deck. Many Many of the men and women who are involved as service providers don't get the therapy they themselves need. It is easy to focus on others instead of ourselves.

Desperate times call for desperate measures...when you discuss in chat that you may be calling the suicide hot line for help you trigger warnings for many of us us. There are chat and Forum guidelines that we must observe to not endanger ourselves and others here. Please take the time to read them.

Having said that, I must unequivocally challenge you to seek local help. What you are dealing with can't be addressed effectively without a guide. We are here to provide acceptance, support, and solidarity, but there are key elements necessary to survival that one must get exterior to this support. Do yourself and your partner a favor and find a counselor or therapist that can offer you guidance as you navigate your feelings from your past.

Your candid discussion of your parents actions, your reactions to the abuse, your compassion for your partner, and your loyalty to your parents memory are all very very good indicators that you might benefit from talking over these issues with someone who you can trust and who won't have a basis to judge you.

When I told my partner that I wasn't going to a counselor because I couldn't afford it, he immediately said, "you can't afford not to go".

Best Wishes, and please know that you are more than welcome here.

Geoff