Thank you very much Bodyguard, that was very helpful. How do you cut down on the feeling of shame or the being attracted to such fantasies which are a repeat of your CSA? I often find I start off with a normal healthy fantasies, and it is either easily hijacked or replaced with me being abused, and as I climax, I think of the healthy fantasy and how much it would have meant to me to never have been abused- but it vanishes, and is replaced by my anger, guilt, fear, shame, confusion...
I was abused for 6 or so years by 100s of men online, and then raped by several in person, and as I am only 21, everything is still so fresh. One of my abusers I still see on the street or on campus
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."