So I've been working on this post for days. Weeks, actually, if you count the time I've spent figuring out how to put this into words without even thinking of writing it down.
But I can't keep going like this. It is like a hurricane running through my mind, going round in circles, threatening to destroy everything in its path. I have to let it out. So I'll just come out and say it.
I wasn't my father's first victim - my brother was. My older half-brother, that is, not my twin. He was about 4 years older than me. I've always known that. I watched my father abuse him months, perhaps years, before he started on my twin and me. He was my hero. I idolised him. I didn't know about half-brothers and step-parents, to me he was simply my older brother and being abused and neglected by my parents, I latched onto him instead. But something inside him died when my father started raping him. I could see it happen, and although I still idolised him, he was no longer there to take care of us. I never blamed him for this, and I have always felt a sense of loss at being separated from him when we went into foster care and he went to live with his father. He joined the military and went "missing in action" before I turned 18, and although part of me have always clung to the hope that he is still alive, somehow, I have also mourned the loss of my hero.
*** SERIOUS TRIGGERS TO FOLLOW! ***
Lately, however, I've been haunted by different images of him. Images of my father forcing him to abuse my twin and me. My father making us suck him until he ejaculated, and making us swallow it. I can forgive him for doing it under duress. Also, I understand the mechanics - I don't blame him for having orgasms. I know he was as much a victim as we were.
However, I also have had flashbacks of instances where it appears he was abusing us voluntarily, without my father being present. Like he enjoyed it. That is completely different.
I'm really not sure. I've always believed that I had complete, continuous memories of the abuse. This whole thing about recovering memories and having flashbacks of events I never remembered is very new to me and very hard to understand.
I can't stand it. I can't stand the thought of my older brother, my hero, abusing me. I've come to terms with my father doing it, but this is different all together. It is driving me crazy!
I'm not sure of the timing, or how long it went on. Logic tells me he must have reached puberty when it started because of how he looked and his ability to ejaculate. I know we were 13 and he was 17 when we were separated and I never saw him again. I don't know how many times if happened. I could have been only once or twice, or it could have been a continuous thing over several years. I really don't know.
I haven't spoken to my twin about this. I don't know if he remembers. I'm scared to mention it to him. Half of me is hoping that it isn't true, that it is just something I made up in my subconscious. God knows, everything I think he did was already in my frame of reference by then. He didn't do anything that my father didn't do before him, so knowing what it felt like doesn't prove anything...
Edited by crazy gecko (02/25/13 01:58 AM)
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def LeppardMy Story
, Part 2My blog