Twice last week, I encountered comments that, shall we say, could have inadvertently set me back quite a distance. Both referenced and passed on to me the feminization that most males would rather not hear. Especially if they have endured child rape or adult rape. Or both. And both comments where in situations and locations that should have been safe venues for discussion or support. But for a few days, the comments have passed thru my mind several times a day. And they seem lodged there tonight.
First, I was with my T. The session was great and I broke down and cried for a moment when talking about the angel experience I had. (That's why, my friends, you may have noticed I often close with the simple word "angels"...I have seen them...seven to be exact- but that is a different blessing). That led to a discussion of the unexplained fear I have. Which of course is related to both the rapes of childhood and the the rape of middle-age. And I suppose the therapist was tired or irritated or carrying some other baggage that day, but she just looked at me and deadpanned..."well, welcome to womanhood..."
Welcome to "womanhood"? ...lol...wtf ??? I just have no words to say. You are sexually used and abused by older boys. Afer a while they know you are different and they use sissy, fag, and all the other terms to defile your being... You are groomed and raped by a grown man before you are old enough to shave. You are raped at 50. You are the receptacle, the receiver of the male, the sexual object against your will. This all results in ptsd, or whatever, and you feel used and abused all over...and RAPED... and this one comment becomes the elephant in your head. Welcome to "womanhood". I know she was referring to the fear women have of being alone or walking alone, etc. but still. A man does not want to be feminized, especially if he has just been raped.
The other remark came in the MS chat room. I had read the rules of behavior. I am pretty socially conservative with comments, etc. I know social etiquette. I would NEVER make a light hearted attempt at humor with a sexual remark in a room of sexual abuse survivors. I think it would be like yelling "fire!" to a room of burn victims. Call me old fashioned. In attempting to make safe intro of myself I just ask of the unwritten rules. First rule that came forth..."don't be a female part beginning with a C..." Really. That which I heard growing up, that which I was used for at 50. And in my first attempt in the SAFE chat room, someone says "don't be a c...". Really?
Actually, that was a major trigger for me. I know rationally it was a lame attempt at humor. But emotionally, in a safe chat for abuse survivors... The older guy who had me as a kid used that word. Many times. I am fighting the feeling that I was that word at 50.
Every day I fight to retain some semblance of manhood. Wedged between 21 and 50 I had found him. When the child abuse collided with the adult rape, I lost him. I want to be more than a feminized male. I am more. More than a hurt little boy, more than a rape victim. I am more. More than the receptacle for a penis. Not a c..., not a female wanna-be or inductee into the "woman"-hood. I am me. Male. Mister. Sexuality is irrelevant. I am me. Becoming stronger and wiser and braver and I refuse to let those terms describe me. And tonight I find I make no apologies and that is refreshing to me.
Angles, my friends.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.