Hi all, I am 25 and have been lurking in this site. Mustered up the courage to share in here.
*** triggers below ***
When I was 10, my dad and I moved away to his duplex after my parents had gotten divorced. Living in the back house was my dad's sister, her husband, and 3 kids. The eldest of her kids was my first cousin "Mark". Mark is 6 years older than I and we spent a lot of time together, kind of a big brother/little brother thing since neither of us had a brother.
My aunt would watch over me after school along with my 3 cousins as I had no siblings and now, lived only with my dad. (whom worked ALL the time). Being the only 2 boys, Mark and I would hang out a lot and I looked up to him.
A couple of years later, when I was 12, I remember Mark would randomly wave his erect penis in front of me and at one occasion made me touch him under the covers while we watched a movie (not porn). We would go grab some fast food and park in the garage, and while still in the car, he would whip it out and make me play with it. I was really confused about all this and did what I could to get out of that situation.
Some months passed and we were in his room just chit chatting and listening to music. Suddenly, he throws me on his bed and climbs up to my upper chest area and I realized he had his penis out of his pants. He tried to stick it in my mouth as I tried to fight him off. I struggled, and said "no, not that" assuring him that I wasn't interested in what he was about to do.
I would struggle to free my upper body to get him off of me. I was pinned completely by the way he was sitting on my upper body. It was useless. A 12 year old fighting off an 18 year old went against my favor. He forced his penis inside my mouth and I felt this rage because he wouldn't listen to me. But at the same time, I was scared. He said to stay quiet or he would tell my dad.
For the next year or so, this continued. After the first couple of times, however, I wouldn't fight him as much. It became somewhat of a regular thing, except when I really didn't want him near me, I would try to fight him off but he would drag me into my bedroom and it would continue.
One day, we were laying on my bed watching tv and I had his penis in my mouth, he started feeling down my pants. He started moving his hand towards my behind and I fought him. I ran into the restroom and locked myself inside.
He broke into the restroom and made me continue the oral on him for a while and, for the first time, I began to cry. Just out of nowhere, this overwhelming feeling of having to do things against my will and with nobody to defend me. Like I had no voice. He simply pulled his pants up, dried up my tears and left without saying a word. That was the last time he ever tried anything.
That was roughly 12 years ago.
Today, Mark is still in my life. But it's as if nothing ever happened. We see each other regularly, have almost same friends, hang out often. Neither of us has married (he is a little past 31) and I never see him with a girl, like he's stuck in his late teens.
Sometimes he invites me over for drinks and is very nonchalant about my presence, just like any old friend, which is odd to me. As adults, he has never approached me in an inappropriate/sexual way. I sometimes want to talk to him about how his actions had affected me and just to vent in general, but am thinking twice about it. Never has the subject been brought up, not sure if bringing that up will be a good or a bad thing.
Nevertheless, I began therapy with a counselor to vent and to deal with my monsters.
I have had self esteem issues as well as trust issues in relationships. As soon as the relationship becomes sexual, I freeze up. I was with my ex gf for a good year and I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. We were a great match. Whenever a situation came up when we're getting frisky, I would make up an excuse for it not to escalate. I was scared I was gonna hurt her somehow, like if I would follow through, it wouldn't be mutual enjoyment and it would be only me benefiting from it. Other times I simply couldn't get a boner. How could this be? I really liked this girl.
At times I fantasize about my experiences with Mark, but in those fantasies, I'm in control and I get turned on by the thought of me consoling him. Lately, he's been depressed and recently broke down to some close relatives. Not sure if maybe something similar happened to him.. What a tangled web, making me crazy.
I've been reading for a couple of weeks on this forum, I thank you guys for being helpful and understanding to one another. These traumatic experiences as kids have negative circumstances for us in adult relationships and in self. I hope if I deal with this sooner, than later, I can be a happier/better/healthier man. No more sweeping it under the rug. Thanks again.