Hi everyone. My handle is meant to be a play on my family history and the fact that I don't want to remain silent anymore, but its rough.
I've felt isolated about the abuse I endured due to its nature. I've been on another community that has a special thread for "people like me" for several months, but the vast majority of the survivors in that thread are female, and even though I've had a lot of healing discussions there and its no secret that I "belong" in that thread, I'm not ready to mention my own specific history there yet, though I hope to some day.
Somehow I feel a bit more comfortable being frank here because I don't have a "family" here yet, so I just will.
I'll make this nice and quick and be frank from the beginning or else I'll loiter here for months without saying what I came here to say.
What happened is disgusting, humiliating, and horrendous so please be careful reading ahead.
When I was fourteen I caught two men abusing a horse while I was wandering around late at night at a family friend’s ranch where she keeps several rescued farm animals.
To be specific the two men had truspassed onto the property and were using a mare for sex as though she was a woman. I only very recently learned that they targeted her because she was in heat and her mating instincts prevented her from fighting back, but the time I didn’t understand that and my ignorance made my feelings about the abuse even worse.
I walked in on them as they were doing it, then the men saw me, and I confronted them and threatened to get them in trouble.
The men decided they would punish men or teach me a lesson or whatever by holding me in the stable and forcing me to do humiliating and degrading things with the mare they were abusing under threat of “making me sorry” if I refused.
All I’ll ever say is that in their own sick words, they “turned me into a stallion for the night” and they forced me to do with her what a male horse would do with a female horse while breeding.
I didn’t want to do it, and I tried my hardest to do as little as possible and even tried faking it, but they ordered me to "give it to her" and once that started there was no turning back.
As disgusted as I was and still am with myself for physically responding to the situation I was forced in to, the unwanted fact that it “felt good” may have saved my life by allowing me to do what the men wanted in order to let me leave in one piece.
At the age of 25 this remains my only experience of sexual intercourse and that really messes with my head because whenever I think about sex this is the only experience I have to recall.
I haven’t been to the place where it happened in the decade since and hope I never need to for any reason.
I was never abused using an animal again, but I still feel like a subhuman monster and sometimes feel like a freak when I’m in public even though no one but my dearest most loving and trustworthy friends have any idea what happened.
I also feel ungrateful because I know that if I was a female in that situation I would have been in even greater danger from those men.
Edited by Roaring Gryphon (04/23/13 10:01 PM)
Edit Reason: i remove certian details nto effecting the nature of the message