oh, yeah - i have wished for most of my life that i was someone else. and the what-ifs never end - if you let them get started. we can be tremendously creative in the ways we find to prolong the pain.
but i'm not saying not to go there - sometimes you just have to let it all out and get it over. i think it is easier to let it go if i have put it into words on paper or online. it does seem to help in the long run.
i would bet that all the thoughts that you have described are ones that most of us have had. and i am sure that for every person who replies, there are many who are saying to themselves - yup - that's me, too.
the date - well, it is up to you - you have that choice - the power to find out - or to leave it alone. i don't know the dates of any of my events. it has never occurred to me to even wonder about the exact spot on the calendar. but i bet if i did know it would be much harder - cuz every year on that date i'd remember it like some dark anniversary - like i do with my birthdays - no fun at all.
OK - you wished for it - so here it is:
Bill, pull your stuff together. it will be OK. you can get through this. it can get better. and there is help and understanding and support for you. keep working at it. you are worth it.
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"