Cloudy- You just described most of my childhood. When that rage you talk about turns cold and you're calm, that when it is dangerous. That raging, thrashing is just the beginning. That needs to be dealt with or it will be turned on you-by you. That is already happening, but you prbly don't see it. I have lived what you lived, had those feelings. I am new, but we are both in the right place here.
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"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski