I can't explain it really other than I hate my parents and I'm using them. I can't stand needing them when I hate them, and I can't stand feeling like a prisoner anymore. I can't stand this house I can't take it anymore. I was abused here, I have to get out, I have to leave.
Again I am at the edge of the cliff and I've chosen to jump, there's no going back. I've already lashed out once and I can't afford to let it happen again, this house, this city, my parents, I need to escape or I'll never get rid of this hatred and anger. I know what my kind of anger does and it's relentless, I almost killed someone once. Some kid at school picked a fight with me, and I went insane, I picked up a chair and threw it full force in his face in front of the whole cafeteria, I screamed I'm going to kill you and I remember feeling the I don't care I will fucking break his neck feeling, the killer instinct. I felt that anger towards my mom today and enough is enough, I can't live with her anymore, I hate her, she's a joke, she's a horrible mother, she's pathetic, I look at her with disgust and I can't live with those emotions.
I don't know what's happening to me anymore, I'm not in control of myself, I'm wondering if I'm insane, I'm wondering if I could actually hurt someone around me, I'm wondering wtf I am going to do. I'm backed up in the corner and part of me snapped today, something I could feel building up, and nothing, nothing I could do could relieve it. I'm scary inside my head, I feel like I'm turning into a monster. I've lost everything that means anything to me, I'm a man with nothing to lose. I saw my brother in myself today and lately, those ironic hate fueled laughs, the yelling, punching holes through a door, it terrifies me. Could I really be that close to becoming my brother? The person I hate so much? I don't know what to say, or maybe rather I'm afraid to say what I want. I want to kill myself sometimes, sometimes I feel like it's the only thought that gives me relief, that I could die and it'd be all over. I'd never hurt anyone anymore, and nobody could hurt me, I could abort my failure as a human being. But then that fuels my anger in thinking well if I'm going to live, I might as well live like I'm dead already. And that's dangerous.
I don't think I should have made it as far as I have. I don't know why I'm still here, I could've killed myself so many times. I wonder if I'm beyond repair, I wonder if I've fallen off the deep end. I have so much hatred inside of me it kills me. The world sickens me, there are people I would kill if there were no laws, what kind of person am I? I think about killing my brother all the time, my disabled brother. He's basically in vegetative state and he's the reason my mom neglected me growing up, in my eyes he's a sick freak that ruined my family, he's a product of the devil. But I was raised being told he was an angel, I should be so proud to be his brother. When he's a parasite, it's the sick twisted religious views and societal morals Idk, maybe I'm sick but to me he's a parasite.
I'm fucked up in my head. I act like a great guy, I've never really harmed anyone, and I truly do want good, but I have bad thoughts, bad emotions, I'm beginning to hate myself. I'm so confused, so extremely confused. I don't know how to portray it at all, and I know a lot of what I'm writing may be misinterpreted or sound horrible or I have no fucking clue, but I need to run away. I need to get away, and my sister is the only person who has never hurt me before, and she's my last hope. But I have to give up everything, and I'm terrified.
Anybody here ever feel suicidal but you don't say anything because you're afraid someone will tell on you? And you can't really say what your feeling because you'll be put on suicide watch or something? I want to die right now. I want to explode, I want to tear down the walls, I want to cry until my eyes bleed, I want to scream so loud everyone in the neighborhood hears my screams, but I can't do any of that, and it builds and it builds and there's no release. Guys I don't know what I need, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't even trust my own self, and there are no answers to all my questions and there never will be. There's no right or wrong, we're all just cast out here on this rock we call earth in a brutal free for all to live. There's no God, and there are rapists. There's pain, so much pain.
I was going to kill myself twice in my life, and right now I'm wondering why in the hell I didn't do it. And if I cheated death then what the fuck am I afraid of? If you had 1 day to live what would you do? I'm sure you'd do something you were afraid to do or something you never did before because you knew it didn't matter anyways, well here I am, I've been given these years I've been on borrowed time and I still can't do a damn thing. Why can't I just jump? Why can't I just do what I want to? I've been trapped for a year, and now I'm jumping, but it takes my anxiety to a high it's never been before. I feel like I'm committing to suicide by moving to see me sister. I'm terrified, but I know if I don't leave this wretched place, there's nothing here for me but more pain.
The worst thing of it all is that I'm literally fighting for my life and nobody sees it. I have to pretend it's not happening, but in my mind there's bloodshed and war, I'm holding on to threads for my dear life and nobody knows it. It takes all I have just to be here, and I can't stand pretending, but even more I can't stand that nobody sees it or can see it. Nobody can see this war inside my head, nobody can understand it around me. It's this that makes me feel insane or crazy. I have to fight the urge of jumping out of the car on the highway while I'm on the way to an appointment for my eyes or something, I have to avoid swallowing all my pills that are right next to me all the time, I have to fight the urge to take my pistol and shoot myself, I have to fight the urge in every situation I get to kill myself, not to. I'm in so much pain it's unreal. And I fear most of all that I would hurt someone other than myself. Because I know what rage is, and I know what it can do.
I just want to love somebody, but I don't have any love in my heart. I was going to say I just want to be loved, but I know I'm loved, I only just realize it's me who loves nothing and no one. Or maybe I do, but idk, the hate, anger, and fear pushes it out of my heart.
I wish I could translate my emotions to words that make you feel what I feel so you could understand my emotions. But isn't that like saying I want you to feel my pain? Idk.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein