you sound so much like I did when I came here drummer. It doesn't get better overnight but it does get better. I really hope you can find your place here as well. I know it is soooo frightening but you will find safety and a community with guys who really do understand.
heal well buddy
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"