Until now I haven't replied to all of your replies to my introduction, but I can assure you all that I have read and re-read all of your replies to me every day; most days, several times.
Each day, I'd feel like I should reply to all of you both because it's common courtesy and because your words, all of your words, were so meaningful, assuring and comforting to me and I really needed to say, "thank you!".
Each day, I would tell myself, "It's OK if I don't reply today. It's OK if I'm too exhausted from the emotions I endured and, to some degree, dumped as I wrote my introduction. It's OK if i'm just not able to reply yet". This is a new, and very welcome concept to me as I'm not very good at all at taking care of myself; I fear I'm not alone in this area either. All of your encouraging words were a big part in 'allowing' me to care more about ME in this regard, Thank you all!
This step was a huge struggle up to and including me writing my introduction. I slept 11+ hours that night. It was followed by great fatigue the first day or so afterward. I would have to, for lack of deeper understanding of all of this, describe my experience as a release, I mini-rebirth of sorts, a return to the 'now', an awakening. I look at my wife and sons with a new perspective. Please understand, I'm not trying to suggest that all was healed that night, but rather that it has allowed me to make a significant step toward recovery!
It's like a few bricks shook loose from my wall that night. I can't describe, and probably don't have to, just how wonderful that cool, sweet breeze coming in from that newly created hole in my wall feels!!
Thank you all and the rest of the 11,000+ members of this site! I may have done the work but all of you have accepted me as I am and that has far more value than I ever really knew.
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
Tear down the wall!
"The Trial" from Pink Floyd's "The Wall"