You are not messed up. In fact you are allowing yourself to be truthfully and honest. The amasing thing is that in your post you have reviled how amazing your mind is.
when I was dressed in some feminime fashion I never experienced the desires...like somehow in my mind dressing up completely quelched my subconscious..
You have found a way to protect your self from the confusion and catastrophe.
This is a wonderful coping mechiniziams that has helped you not act out in a consequential way. Thank God for it.
The mind is amazing and will find a way to protect us.
I think that there is much meaning in this for you and as time alowes you will come to understand the meaning and significance. For now I think it is like armor to protect you.