hi billy ray
it is hard to write what you feel but for me it helps tons.I do it kinda matter of fact till I cant take the pain, and I do it long hand because It is not permanent at that point. just thoughts on a page. I find that it is not the feelings that I fear, but feeling the feelings. I type it out then and it is real but distant,like building a fire. it is safe from a distance. so I write and when I read it it is like a sad story and I can cry if I need to. then I post it here to make real to me,it is my story and I hate it here we can all hate it together and there is comfort in that. I hope that helps some. I share at least part of you story man and there is healing.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville