I have been doing pretty well at keeping busy the last couple months. I have great friends and I enjoy my work as well. Somehow I still feel lonely. the lack of intimacy with my H really bugs me. I know that I can't fix it so I try to focus on myself but there is still the nagging lonliness. The feeling that there is this big part of my life that isn't blossoming. I keep trying to step back and shrug it off after all in most ways I have a great life. I feel guilty when I let things with H get me down. And when I get down he seems to try to pretend extra hard that everything is okay. I long to have a normal relationship where we go do things together and talk about our thoughts and ideas. A relationship were I can get upset and cry and my H knows how to comfort me instead of making my sadness a reflection of his failure.
When we were first dating he talked to me about all kinds of things. I felt safe with him and he made me feel beautiful. I loved his blunt honesty and felt like I could ask him anything. Now he is the man who is afriad of his shadow the man who believes that any day now I am going to leave him. Oh my darling it is not you that is the cause of my sadness it is the lack of you. But he doesn't hear anything over the voices of self loathing. And I don't feel like anyone in my life understands the lonliness.
I feel like he is away at war most of the time. Its a war that only he sees. He doesn't cheat on me. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't even call me names. So people don't understand what the big deal is how can I be so upset. Its like when you are at a party in a room full of people and you feel alone even though you aren't . Somewhere there is a woman who has so much less than I do but is happy anyway. I want to meet her because I know I need an attitude adjustment. If you read this thanks
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Everything comes from within