so sorry, billray.
i sense your pain and i have no answers.
but i thought it might help a tiny bit just to know you are heard.
it can get lonely at this time when there aren't as many guys around. i am in a different time zone - 12 hours off of EST - so am often up when others aren't. send me a PM any time if you feel like it.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho