I am in a new recovery phase where I am moving forward and needing to put some of the past to rest. I am accepting I can't change it. I can only change my attitudes about it. I am moving from the boy point of view to the adult point of view. I guess from survivor to thriver. I think there is a middle ground, too, and parts of me are in the midst of the change.
I've always felt guilt about my molestation by an adult, male stranger. I always felt like I was looking for it, that I made a choice to participate in it, that I was fully culpable. I write that because that attitude has made me feel that underneath everything, I want forgiveness from my father for allowing a man to fondle me with his hands and orally. I feel that I did something wrong.
I am understanding that once it happened and I was afraid my father would be disgusted by me/rage at me/dismiss me as worthless, I knew I couldn't tell him and I decided to handle it all on my own. I guess I had already been handling everything all on my own already (by a very young age). I decided somewhere around the same time that I would reject everything that he stood for and I belittled him in my mind and in word. I treated him as being worthless and thought of him as such.
Now, 30 to 40 years later, I see that my decision to handle it all on my own, to dismiss my father's worth are no longer ways that I want to live. Is that humility? Is that acceptance? I believe I will never be able to talk to my father about my abuse and why it happened or that I wanted his forgiveness because I think it also brings up how responsible he is for it and based on our past, he will allow me to carry the blame for it if I even suggest it. He would never say to me, like I think he should, that it was his fault, he is to blame, that I was a lost boy who needed him and he wasn't capable of being there. The reason I believe this is that he has never taken any responsibility for anything. He seems incapable of it. So it seems like a conversation that I want but will never happen. What does a person do with this need that will probably go unfulfilled?
I want to see him as the extremely damaged man that he is and not be stuck in the past. I want to admit my "mistakes" such as the complete rejection of him and anything he stood for. That may have hurt me more than him. I rejected many things that my father and other men stood for. I rejected all men as ultimately betrayers and less than me while simultaneously wanting acceptance and complete worship (this word is not completely accurate). I acted out a lot of stuff sexually with men that I had no idea I was doing. This sex abuse, for me, created a sick, twisted outlet to try to meet unmet needs and to avoid real intimacy.
I know this post is a mess but I can't continue to remain trapped by my childhood, by my abuse, by my old ideas and by my old decisions. I must look at the world with new eyes and I can't if I keep living in the past.
Edited by EdfromNYC (02/12/13 04:36 PM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed