Hay still,

That's what I took away from you first post. That you are very angry. At the world, your self. All of it. I don't think that's vm, I think you are realy angry. Have you ever grieved the loss? I mean it sound like you drove your self to "over come"
And that has brought you wealth. But what have you lost in the process?
Note to self:
Stand up and keep your footing,
You are not alone. This place is full of people who will reach out to help.