Wow, and just when I thought there was nothing more for me to think about. Lol
Well when I read Matt's reply, I sobered up fast. I am realy sory you went through that in front of your son.
I supose I have tryed to protect my kids from the damage I react out of. My reactions have not always been the best. The disproportional anger that has come out of me towards my kids has some times been triggered by there inappropriate behavior or attitudes. I just started to teach my kids at a young age that I can get it wrong. That why I got upset was because there was a problem that needed to be addressed, but my overreaction was not there fault and not something they deserved or that was right in any way. That in some cases my reaction was even a biger problem then what originally needed to be addressed. And that I was sorry and would they be willing to forgive me. I supose this owning my stuff and not allowing my kids to take the blame for what is my bad behavior, has given us all the ability to be a bit more open and honest about what is happening under the waterline. My kids never once fail to forgive me they always were so relieved to have the relationship restored. And it made it easy for them to own there stuff.
As far as the frivolous play gose I have a 12 year old kid in me that loves to come out and play, stir up truble in all the right ways. Loves to have fun. I supose because of this I have in some ways grown up with my kids. It is a bit sad that this part of me is now more and more with out friends to play with. My youngest is now 18 and moving more and more towards adult ambitions.
He some time gets kid like and we play, spar,banter, hang in the foolish just for fun. But more and more I find that I am alone in this younger part of me. I hope to play like this with grand kids someday. I would hang out in this state all the time if I could. Bit hard on the marriage.
I supose when my csa took me out this part of me was able to break off intact.
It has never been able to grow up, frozen at that age. Like the lost boys in Peter Pan.
I suppose I should be thankful for breaking apart this part of me was not abused.
The part of me that has was abused is not coping to well. He is a mess.