Hey
When I was a kid, about the time we were learning sex ed, I remember some exploration with a classmate. It was things like staring at each other's penises, masturbation, and others. I remember this time when while we had our pants down, he rubbed his penis against mine. It seemed like it crossed the line, but it didn't bother me. A few months later, I suffered abuse at the hands of an adult. Years later, I was abused again by a family friend. That episode really damaged me, but I never told anyone. I'm realizing now the effects it had. I used to masturbate frequently and often in public places. In addition, I remember advances by other guys, like in the locker room at the gym. I always refused. One time, about 20 years ago, I had a friend from work. We would hang out sometimes, and not really do anything. I realize now he was grooming me. He would tell me about his girlfriends and the sex he had. He would ask me about my sexual activities. He would ask if I got turned on hearing about him doing some girl. Then we started watching porn. That lead to masturbating to porn. One time while watching a porno, he asked if he could suck me off, and I didn't turn him down. I don't understand why I let him do it. I didn't consent, but didn't fight him off either. I felt so degraded afterwards. I didn't understand since, I'm not attracted to guys at all, and have no desire to have sex with a guy. However something snapped. Since then I'm really wary of making friends. I'm afraid they're going to ask me for sex. I know my history of CSA had a role, but why? Even now, 40 years after the initial molestation, sometimes I feel like a worthless human being. How can I explain this and get over it?