I'm sick of talking about it, I'm sick of reading up on CSA, I'm sick of taking a microscope to my past. I'm stick of it all. It's so raw and painful, it's not pretty, it's not fun to look at. I feel like it's even unhealthy to spend as much time as I do on this site, in therapy, and in the all the corners of my mind. But most of all, I'm sick of putting other's wisdom and advice above my own intuition.

What does it mean to recover? What is causing me pain? What do I need to change?

I already know, to recover I must let go of my past and look to the future while not leaving the present, and I need to change the unhealthy coping skills, habits, and survival tactics from my past. I know what I need to do now.

But what do I really want? Like what do I really want out of life? To be happy? That's too broad an idea, I'll never forever be happy. Happiness comes and goes, I don't think anyone is always happy. But if you ask most people what they want, they say happiness. Why?

So again I ask, what do I really want? I don't know, but I do know I want to stop living in the past, and I want the past to leave me alone. I want to learn from my past, keep whats good, put on the shelf what's bad, change what I need to and be done with it. But if there's one thing I do know I want, I want a voice that people will listen to, and I want to be able to leave this world better off than I entered it. But is that really what I want? See it's hard to see the difference between want and need sometimes, I need to be loved and to love, but that seems like a want. So if asked what do I want sometimes I'd say I want to find my soulmate, but that's not a want, that's a need.

Where are we all going and why do some of us get stuck here for so long? This isn't a happy place to be, none of us should want to be here, but most of us have to.

Do I need a professional to be a better person? Do I need therapy to live? Do I need these drugs I take to calm my anxiety? If truth be told, I don't think I need them, but why do I feel like I do? I feel like I'm stuck, because of other people telling me whats best, without looking at myself and asking myself what's best. Trusting my own thoughts, my own heart. And if I asked my heart what should I do, it would be leave, forgive, and forget. Those who love you will follow, and those who don't aren't a part of your life anymore. They played their role, and it's time to move on. Go out and do something besides looking at my past, some would call it running away, but if I already know my problems, is it really running away? Do I really need to face my problems everyday and let it get me down? Or is that perfectionist black and white thinking? We do what we do in life, we survive, we try our best, and for those of us who made it, we're here. Were we wrong? Who cares, we have the ability to change, I've thought a lot lately about what changes us, and I think it's not us who change, we are the same we've always been, it's just our view that changes. Maybe that's what our depression is, our pain, maybe we just have the wrong view of things. I know I did. But now I think it's time I trusted myself. I know what I need, I don't know what I want, but I think I know how to find it. And for me that means leaving this city behind. Should I listen to my heart? Or the professionals I pay to care? The professionals who don't know my 20 years of life, why should I trust anyone over my heart? I made it this far, I know I'm strong enough, if I fall, I'll get back up and learn from it, then I'll continue my journey, but it's pointless to look outside yourself for all the answers, because nobody knows the answers to your problems, only you do.

So I ask you all, what are you doing that your told to do that doesn't parallel your heart's whispers? What does your heart say?

Maybe that's why we get stuck sometimes, because we don't listen to that inner instinct, our heart. And the older we get, it seems the less we trust it. Maybe because it's wrong sometimes, maybe because it's gotten us hurt, but that doesn't mean it has taught us nothing.


Edited by CloudyFalls (02/10/13 02:36 PM)
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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein