It's very hard for me to reconcile my religion considering all the horrible things that happened to me. I have heard scriptures pertaining to the necessity of suffering before, but I still cannot find myself to believe that a loving "God" would allow such a thing. Involvement in my Catholic religion has always been a difficult aspect of my life. My extremely devout "friend" does not help matters.

Yesterday we spoke on the phone and he wanted me to go to an Ash Wednesday mass next week. The mass is at 8AM and I told him that it was too early for me and that I did not want to attend. He then went on to berate me saying things like "Oh, I see, you don't want to go and be with God because it's too early." I ignored the outburst, said good night and hung up. Now I am feeling a swirl of emotions, mostly anger and guilt...I suppose that was his aim, which angers me even more that he would try to manipulate me like that.

He has always been rather extremist in his views (in my view) but I had always put with it in favor of a need for companionship. After what occurred last night I just don't know anymore. I've been rethinking our "friendship" for a while now, and have blocked communication from him for the time being. Despite being so upstanding about his beliefs, he is quite clingy and it will be very difficult to end the relationship on a whim.

Considering I am in recovery, it really upsets me when people state what a horrible person I am for not being the star Catholic I'm supposed to be. It might just be my youth, but I hold very liberal views that do not fall in line with church doctrine. I live in a very conservative part of the country so its really hard to reconcile my views when there is so much scorn.

I realize I'm jumping around...so the the point of my post is that perhaps one day I will become the star Catholic people want me to be, but considering that I'm still trying to make peace with what happened to me, as well as work towards my future at the same time, the last thing I need is someone chastising me for my lack of religiosity. As always, I would just like some help understanding the place where I am right now. Am I right to want this? Thoughts?