My husband and I are where you and your wife are. For me there has been to much hurt. I have spent the last two years by his side trying to help him heal from what was done to him as a child. I believed him when his family did not. I spent countless hours here trying to understand what he was going through. You helped me through so many dark hours. I feel like your wife, I am not sure that he is capable of loving me the way I want and I don't have lofty expectations of being on a pedestal. By nature he can be selfish but I always thought that was a function of being spoiled. He grew up in a weird situation where his mother spoiled the shit out him, never held him responsible for his actions and his father molested him. He has come a long way over the last two years and I am proud of the hard work he has done but unfortunately it is not enough. I think what has ultimately helped me make this decision for us to separate is the feeling of hopelessness that I get each time he has lied, drinks or just let's me down. I am not a person who holds a grudge but each time it happens the hopelessness hits me like a ton of bricks and I wonder how I let him do it to me again. That's my situation not yours.
Most wives would have divorced their husbands for what he did to me but I loved him more than anything and I was fighting hard for the little boy inside giving him a chance, I did not want CSA to win. I did not want his child molesting father to win. At the beginning of 2013 we decided I was going to deal with my hurt from CSA and he couldnt handle it. My anger is very hard for him to swallow. Asking him to leave I think has given him the final push to be healthily and truthful.
This might be some help to you. My husband was good at putting up a good front. He is so proud of his progress and his honesty. The problem is he was such a good liar that I don't really see the difference as much as he feels it. He tells me and I am proud of him but it isn't something I can see. He is sad, we are sad. It's sucks.
And it isn't over until the fat lady sings so if you think there is a chance fight hard.