When I was eleven my family and I moved, almost immediately after the move I began to suffer from asthma-and was sent to a doctor. During the first visit I was given a full physical and I didn't think much about it-it was uncomfortable but my thought didn't linger on it.
About a week later I had to see him again and the routine repeated with extra attention being paid to my privates...this is the level of abuse that when the story is told has always stopped.
But truthfully it wasn't long after that that he began to focus on my anus. I vividly remember the first time that happened and many of the times afterwards..often he'd stroke me while he had fingers in me..I'm a hundred percent sure that that all happened.
I'm also a hundred percent sure of how it progressed to him getting me to perform oral on him but where it stops is actual penetration. I vaguely remeber him fingering me and playing with my privates and me looking down to see both of his hands on my hips. Then the memories get blurry. I have been having more and more memories in the past year about actual penetration and I'm just not so sure if it's all true/imagined/a combo.
The abuse spanned until I was 14 and we moved. My asthma was super bad, especially in the winter so I saw him often, at one point he even asked my parents if I could move in with him so he could better monitor my health.
When we moved to a new city the first time I went to see a doctor in regards to my asthma I removed my pants and underware, the doctor turned to me in shock and told me that there was never a need to unrobe for an asthma check up. I was floored.
I discussed it with my parents-and while it wasn't totally brushed aside it wasn't handled the way it should've been-I had told them once years earlier of my uncomfort with my previous doctor and was told that "he's the doctor, he wouldn't be checking there if he didn't need to"..mind you when he asked for me to move in they were concerned-however the visits didn't stop.
I began to experiment with drugs around 14 and even tho I often had the chance I was less interested in sex then is likely normal for that age. I dated girls but things never went to far.
I also developed an irrational anger towards homosexuality at this time-never acted violent or anything but towards those who were openly gay I should utter disdain...looking back I've often thought I was more upset at how comfortable these people were with who they were then I was with who I was and the thoughts in my head.
Around 16 I was in a car accident and sent to see a therapist and this is where things came spewing out. It wasn't as helpful as it should've been but I don't think I was ready for it.
I dated a girl between 16 and 18 and always kept her at an arms length emotionally and sexually. We broke up and started to have some homosexual fantasies well more then some, I got deeper into the drug use.
From 18 to 20 I basically couch jumped from friends house to friends house, there was attraction to women but very little activity at all.
At 20 I moved for college, got a job and got really busy-I pattern began that still occurs the busier I am the better, I work myself to exhaustion and then don't have to face my thoughts.
I began dating an amamazing woman at 21 and we married at 23, I told her of my past-well the version that I always told-I think at some point I told that version so much it became the only version in my mind.
My wife and I worked different schedules a lot and even though I was working 80-100 hours most weeks if she wasn't home when I was I began to watch gay porn.
At some point I told her I was bi curios, she was understanding but again I kept details to a minimum, with and without her I began experimenting with anal toys (I'd briefly done this before I met her, usually while drunk I'd find something..). At one point with and without her I experimented in crossdressing and for a short period questioned if I was transgendered.
For a number of reasons, likely stemming from my need to work to much the marriage didn't last. Through the months of problems within our marriage I turned to gay porn and gay chat often, at one point she moved out, I got completely drunk and went to a bath house where I gave a guy a bj. I woke up the next day feeling sick...
My ex moved back in and we made an effort to repair our marriage, when I focused on that the thoughts and desires dissappeared about nine months later our marriage ended.
I was surrounded by friends often and drank a lot, I met some woman and had meaningless sex, I'd often wake up feeling shame but never to the level I'd felt after blowing that one guy.
For a few years I kept myself really busy but during alone times the thoughts were still there. I met a woman and had the first serious relationship since my marriage had ended, when that ended I again acted out-this time sober I picked up guy up online.
The experience was sort of meh to me-definitely not what I'd fantasized about, there was some shame but I justified it as it least I'd tried it. Then the thoughts started to creep back in my head that well maybe it was just because it was some random guy and if I gave it a chance it may be different. While I've watched porn and chatted online with guys I've resisted the urge.
When the winter hits here it seems to trigger the memories and triggers the urges sometimes its the smell in the air or the way I feel when I take a breath but the past two or three years its been much more frequent and the urges much more intense.
I recognize how unhealthy it is and that brought me here..I've chosen to finally try to put the effort into healing instead of acting on the urges.
I've often wished I was gay-thinking that would make my feeling normal-it's the not knowing who I am or what I am that's led to a lifetime of feeling alone and at 34 I'm ready to start understanding.