Today, I feel angry. So very angry. I just woke up angry! I can't understand how angry I am right now. When will the anger subside? I am struggling to keep calm. I am struggling to keep my cool. I am just fucking angry!!

Trying not not met it get to me. My anger is a valid emotion that will pass in time. just seems to be rather consistent lately.

I am angry because my mother abandoned me and sent me to AFBís office to be abused. I am angry because she talks so damn much!!!!! I am angry because she won't listen to me. I am angry because in order for me to keep my sanity I have to stay away and no longer have a relationship with her. I am angry that my kids won't have the grandmother that they deserve. I am angry I don't have the mother I deserve. I am angry she invades my dreams and causes all of these issues to crop up at the worst times. I am angry the mere mention of her name causes such painful triggers and emotions.

I am angry at the loss of the idealised mother. I am angry at the reality of her.

Today I feel angry that i will have to mourn her loss twice. I really wish I could have done this after she was in the ground. ( of natural causes of course)

Today I am usually not on here asking for help from my brothers in anguish, Today I am in need of support.

Today, I wanted to share a letter that I wrote to my mom a few weeks ago. I won't publish it on my website because I fear that she may read it .

Quote:
I never set out to be this way. Do I frighten you? If I could have chosen to be someone else, I think that would be nice. To be strong and fearless like the image you present. Callus and disconnected from reality like the others in your world. Oblivious.

Oblivious Idiot,

Do I frighten you? Does my pain cause you grief? How can I, your son, comfort you? Comfort your betrayal? Comfort your disappointment in how life has worked out? Comfort your hurt when I am bleeding out and nearly expired? You cover up your hypoxia with the bandage of words. Your fears cloaked with endless babblings as if you were an infant child that is enraptured by the sound of her own voice. Do you ever get tired of talking? I am chronically exhausted of hearing your voice. Each time I think of calling like before to hear you talk at me, fatigue saps all life out of me. I can't do it anymore. I can't talk to you. You donít listen. Ever since I was 11 years old you havenít listened to me. You talk and talk and talk. Now, 30 years later I am shutting my ears to you. Its my turn to speak. Then we will be done.

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Did you hear me? I am speaking now. Mom, you are such an oblivious idiot! So focused on your own mirror you can't see when your own flesh and blood is drowning in the shit you caused! Can you hear me? Did you hear me? Will you listen to me? FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Your incoherent babble Like static on the radio unintelligible. My only wish to tune to another frequency.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
Shut the fuck up!

Your husband died 30 years ago. I am sorry for your loss. He is not ME!!! Donít you remember? My name is Joel. I am your son. You were there when I was born, weren't you? Perhaps you were too busy impressing the doctor about your first pregnancy to show up to your last one? Must I introduce myself? FUCK YOU! My name is Joel! Your husband, Harold, is in the ground. I loved him as well. Time ticks on. You didn't. Instead you found me to become your husband. You transferred all of your shit onto me. I was a boy! I couldn't take it! Your shit was too heavy. My back is broken. I am crippled and in great pain.

Did you hear me? I am Joel. I am your son. I am not your husband.

Shut the fuck up!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! I am not him!
I am Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!

Since I was 11 years old, you talked at me. you didn't allow me to speak. I learned very early on to tune you out. Just as you did to me with your endless worries. Then when I thought I had heard it all and there was nothing more to say. You start all over again. Or manufacture something new.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! I am not him!
Hello, My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!

What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of me? Do you think that if you pray real hard and deny traumas existence. That it will go away? That I will go away? That has never happened and will never happen. Faith and denial do not work the same way. Instead as you have wished, I am going away. I wonít hear you anymore. Your vanity has pushed me away. You thought you could hire others to raise me by sending me off to private schools. Don't you think you could have done that? Do you think your presence would have done a better job? Than complete strangers? You remind me of how utterly unsafe and devalued you treated me as a boy and now as an adult. Your selfish constantness remind me how little you think of me.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
Shut the fuck up!
I am me! I am not him!
Shut the fuck up!
Hello, My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.

You said I needed a father-figure. What the FUCK was wrong with you? Couldn't that be YOU? Instead, I got the message that I wasn't good enough for you. Instead, I spent the last 30 years trying to prove my worth to your absentia. Instead, I spent the last 30 years trying to earn the respect, love and attention that I deserved just for being me, your son! Instead, I spent the last 30 years trying to earn your presence rather than your presents. The stench of your gifts are rotten in my nose. The faecal odor of your gifts covered in grimy strings connected to false sense of gratitude and obligation.


A male role model. A male role model! You said I needed a male role model! What the FUCK was wrong with you? Perhaps if you would have cared enough about me. I wouldnít have been ass raped by the man you said I needed! If you would have cared enough about me instead of your stupid wallet. If you would have shut the fuck up, perhaps I could have told you before it happened. If you would have cared enough about me to raise me your own damn self. Iíd be just as fucked up and oblivious as you.

Shut the fuck up!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! Your son!!
I raised me. You paid commitment.
My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!

Why do you project all of your shit onto me? As if I can cure your hypoxic cancer. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! Listen to me! You did this to you! Don't blame me! My life is my own. I am not responsible for yours. Perhaps if you shut up you could breathe on your own and wouldn't rely on others.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! I am not him!
I raised me. You paid commitment.
My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!



If I open my mouth, Will you shut yours and listen?

FUCK! YOU TALK TOO DAMN MUCH!!!

If I speak, will you open your mind to what I have to say?

You pushed me away! Away! Could you not bear me?

You pushed me away! Away! Could you not raise me?

You pushed me away! Away! Could you not see me?

Your abandonment. wounds my flesh as it were a cut with a thousand acid soaked blades.




If I open my mouth, Will you shut yours and listen?

My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.

My name is Joel. I am not Harrold

My name is Joel. I am not you.

I am not your savior, I am not your rescuer. I am not your husband.

I am your son. I am Joel. I am gone.

iamnotbubba
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iamnotbubba

http://www.perpetuallyhealing.com/