My lady T gently pushed me to trying a guy T and I was hesitant at first, but I trust her so I reached out. I am working with him now and he is awesome, also a Christian counselor. My focus now in on trying to see me as God sees me, which is hard somedays as I am still human and still confused inside about things. Someone here asked me what I think sex is. To me it is something you do for someone else. The word intimacy scares me because it's supposed to mean a shared relationship, but I don't understand how to do that, I only know how to provide and do what I'm told to do, so I struggle with the idea. My new counselor uses a process called Theophostic ministry and I like this approach. It's like we focus on something and ask God to take us there and show us what was happening, where feelings we have today started with events, and we look hard at memories. I know of some events, and that I learned to dissociate. With the ones I know about more details are filling in and that hurts, as I don't want to see any more details. I told my T I think we have to look at them to stomp them, so I'm trying. One image came to my mind several times during our first Theophostic process this week. That was the face of a lion. I think it was Aslan from the Narnia stories who is really the Lion of Judah. Seeing the Lion there with all that other stuff shows me God was there and is here. I know He can fix anything so I will try to climb up on the Lion's back and let Him take me where He wants me to go. I don't want to see any more memories or find new triggers, but if the Lion says I have to I will. Better to follow His direction then the direction I got growing up from the enemy who whispers nothing but lies that I won't believe anymore.
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato