I've always been very well aware that a relationship cannot happen between two people who have never even met in person. So although I do have some romantic interest in him, I don't consider him anything more than a friend right now and I've been dating other people. I know that he also has been talking to other women.

I also know that he cares about me. He doesn't want to hurt me. I think that part of the reason he gets so upset whenever I ask if we can talk on the phone is because he knows how much I want it, but he feels powerless to do it because it would make him feel too vulnerable. He has to take care of himself. I'm sure a lot of people may interpret that to mean that he just doesn't care about me enough, but I think there is a lot more to it than that. He also realizes that it's not really "normal" to have such a problem talking on the phone. He's even said that he feels like it's stupid and irrational and he beats himself up over it. I've realized though, that the effects of CSA are far reaching and can make a person at times behave in ways that seem irrational.

There was a time last year that I think I was a bit too attached to him, almost dependent on him in a way. I started to feel that it wasn't particularly healthy for either of us and I cut off ties for a while. During that time I came to accept that there is a very high likelihood that we may never meet in person and I'm actually okay with that. Of course, I'd love to meet him given the opportunity, but I can also live with things the way they are now.

We've started talking again and things are actually really good. We probably would date if we lived closer together because we both have similar life goals and happen to be attracted to each other, but for the time being we are friends. That may be all we ever are, and that's alright. Every now and then I do want to hear his voice because he is a close friend and I find talking to be a much more effective way of communicating and conveying emotion than text. But demands will get me nowhere. He needs to feel safe and like he has control of the situation. Maybe with time he will feel more comfortable with the idea. And maybe not. He has actually told me that he thinks it wouldn't be such a big deal to talk on the phone if we were to meet in person first.