Puff Iím functional but itís just that when youíve grown up raised by yourself I just think that there is no way to ever feel really a part of anything or anyone. That need for belonging to be a part of something is very strong, I never acted out quite like ďDibsĒ but I get it, just that I know no matter what Iíll never be a part of anything, or maybe itís just that Iíll never be able to delude myself into thinking Iím a part of something or someone. Growing up I used to delude myself that I never wanted to be a part of ďitĒ or ďthemĒ but now Iím older and realize all my short comings and issues, and where they came from, not saying Iím perfect and everything came from my abuse but so many of my problems did, not being able to trust, feeling betrayed, being betrayed by parents over and over and over again, and then by my therapist, all that before the age of 15, the ďschool of hard knocksĒ was easy compared. See that was so much a part of it Iím such a person of opposites, I see everything so much different, I have no reason other than some off-handed remarks to go by but I think my dad and his sister were both abused by their father; my father became in his own mind the antithesis of his, and I became the antithesis of him, just like my grandfather; a mister fix-it, a jack of all trades, someone who is competent enough to do about anything around the house although the ďnewĒ vehicles with all the computer crap, I donít touch. I hated my dad everything about him; so I internalized being the opposite of everything he was and little did I realize that he had done the same, and I became just like my grandfather, it makes me violently ill, just like when I first remembered Iíd wake up every morning and vomit, just dry heaves, I hated myself so much, I hated him, I hated that I am him both physically and personality wise just like him, heck I even have his hair, thank god I look like my other grandfather, not short or anything. its why just like as far back as I can remember just wanting to die, just hoping Iíd never get up, its why I took so many chances when I was younger , why even now it would be ok if died, Iíd be over. Now I see things differently, I know my dad did try and apologize before he died, just I couldnít understand then, I didnít want to, but its irrelevant to me, he was never there when it counted, he turned his back on me so long ago, but I get it, I just hope I never have to make the kind of decision he had to make, I canít imagine how he tortured himself, especially being married to that devil of a wife, at least there is some karma in this world, the she-devil is all alone, she even managed to alienate me; ďlet me see your wristsĒ; wtf, are you kidding me, you dumb bitch; you actually think Iíd fail at something? No fucking clue who I am, still wants me to be this poor little abused kid, suicidal, always, just canít leave those I love alone, I know alone. Iíve spent a lot of time with a gun to my head, it wouldnít be a problem to pull the trigger. Not suicidal, just Iíd welcome death, Iíd welcome a way out, I almost think itís the ultimate karmic revenge, letting me figure all this out, letting me stay alive, letting me torture myself, because after all, I canít do it, but neither will karma; karmas a bitch!
I barely leave my room, and barely speak to my parents.
Just like me before I left home/institutionalized, understand even now I do nothing other than work and go back to the hotel, stuck yes you heard me stuck in Hawaii, for at least another month, fucking island life just sucks, no open roads, nowhere to just open it up and go, heck I stopped drinking so even the bars are off limits now. Like I said isolation!
I deleted every single entry I ever made on here not too long ago,
I get it just think itís a great loss to yourself, like your thoughts have no worth, or are you still worried about your dad reading stuff?
I just feel like I keep drifting further and further away from other human beings.