I just want to start by saying that I am so grateful that I found this forum. I've spent two days reading through so many topics. There were so many times that I opened a post and it was almost like someone was reaching out to me and saying, "You're not alone. We've been there. You'll be okay." My tears haven't completely stopped, but feeling like I'm not alone has helped greatly. So, thank you for being here.
I guess I should share my story and my concerns. I'm sorry if it gets a bit lengthy, but I desperately need an outlet. I met my fiance and it was honestly love at first sight. We couldn't have been any closer. Everything seemed to match up so perfectly. He was my best friend from the first day I met him. One of the main things that attracted me to him was his openness and honesty, two qualities that I also have a lot of pride of in myself.
I've never been one to snoop when in a relationship, but I happened to come across some questionable websites on our laptop that related to younger men getting together with older men. I initially wrote it off as pop-ups, but then I started seeing more and more questionable things. There were e-mail accounts, chat logs, etc. and I knew it was intentional. I confronted my fiance that night. He admitted to everything and deleted all of his profiles in front of me immediately. I knew we had a lot to work through and I wasn't sure we would still be getting married. The next day, hours into yet another discussion about our future, he disclosed his CSA. I am the first person he has ever told. My heart absolutely broke when I saw how hard it was for him to tell me. He's always been my rock and seeing him cower in fear at his own words was very difficult. Soon after, I started researching and found that his behavior was not that far out of the ordinary. It doesn't stop the pain, but somehow it helps. He has agreed that he should see a therapist as soon as possible and would like us to go through couples therapy as well.
With all of that being said, I want help addressing some of my fears...
1. He allowed me to reactivate some of his accounts to read his e-mails/chat logs/etc. and I really wish I hadn't. Will I ever forget some of the things I read?? They haunt me when I close my eyes to go to sleep at night. Also, should I see his openness as a huge positive? He said he wants there to be no secrets in this healing process.
2. After disclosing everything and calming down, he seems to have a new and different bounce in his step. Even though things are still a little shaky, he keeps repeating how happy he is that he can finally move forward. I do not want to discourage him, but I'm also afraid what's going to happen once he realizes it's not going to be an easy ride.
3. We have a BDSM element to our relationship, with me being submissive to him. His e-mails and chat logs indicate that he may fantasize about being in opposite positions. We can work that out, I know. Should we put a halt on any role playing like that through the healing process?
4. Nothing within anything I read indicates that he ever met someone in person, however, I cannot stop being paranoid about where he is, what he is doing, who he is talking to, what's happening on the laptop. He has given me permission to "check in" whenever I want and actually encouraged me to keep tabs on what happens on the computer. I'm very tech savvy, so there's no hiding it from me (I'm almost positive). He said that it may even help to know that he can't even attempt to revert to old habits if he knows I'm checking in. I have a fear that this isn't healthy. Is it really trust if I'm watching over him like a parent? But at the same time, I feel an anxiety attack happening if he's even more than 5 minutes late coming home from work.
5. I've made it clear that I am not going to be co-dependent and be the one responsible for his recovery, but I just need to know. What can I do to help? I really wish I could just take away all the pain, but I know I can't. I'll catch him if he falls, but I'm not going to hold his hand the whole way.
Thanks for reading and once again, I am so thankful that this forum exists. I finally don't feel so alone for the first time in a week.