I have a lot to feel about. And lately I feel a lot. Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt? That your felt nauseous, that it literally hurt so much you couldn't bear it? Surely you all must've felt it at some point, but it's hard to remember exactly how it feels until you feel it again. When suicide sounds like a painkiller. When you feel like there's nothing left to live for? It's almost like heartbreak, but times a thousand. I was in love with my cousin for 13 years, we had sex for 13 years, I'm told it was abusive, I realize it was abusive, but I don't care. Those 13 years of my life were complete, I feel like I've already felt the best there is that life has to offer and now it's gone forever. I don't know how to deal with the loss of my best friend, my Curtis. My mind is not right, through 13 years I attached to him, we lived co-dependently. Whether or not it was abusive doesn't make anything better or worse I don't fucking care anymore. The loss is too great. I've felt this pain twice in my life, and I feel it coming back. I don't know what to do, but I hurt so badly inside. I remember everything now, practically everything. It's the sharp contrast that kills me, I want to slip away into those memories again.
Again, I can't hope to explain myself, and yet I yearn to be understood. I want to speak an oceans full of words but fear they'll fall to def ears.
What will make this pain go away? I'm on the brink of disaster. I don't even know why I'm asking, words on a screen amount to nothing, I need the sound of a voice, the tenderness of compassion, I need someone to comfort me, and I have nobody. I know nor know of anybody who understands and loves me.
I have to conform to a world my brain doesn't understand. I am limited by the society that failed to raise me. I am alone, I am in the wrong place. I have to assimilate into society and it feels impossible. Is there a such thing as too far gone or is it against a psychologists morals to say so? I may never be happy, I will always hold this within me, I can only hope to conform and function, and if I'm lucky, in comfort. But happiness for me is a wild fantasy that doesn't exist, so I have to change my definition of happiness, I have to relearn what it is. Because for now it does not exist.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein