Sorry you're going through this stuff too!!
A few years ago I was beating the dust out of a futon mattress and I just went wild - hitting and punching it uncontrollably. I didn't consciously do it, but I saw my father as that futon. I don't know how long this went on, but I finally collapsed - totally exhausted. After that, I started to have little glimpses of memories. Nothing very full and real yet, but just glimpses.
I started piecing together little clues from my past and looked at my very strained relationship with my father.
The weird thing is that I have been a teacher for many years, and I have been trained in spotting the signs of abuse in children. I just never spotted them in myself. Looking back, I can see so many signs in my life that SHOULD have been recognized. But I have been living my whole life in a mental prison.