I am new to this site. Glad it's here.
It is only in the last few years that I have started to get glimpses of "memories" of abuse by my father as a young child. Until then, they had been totally occluded.
I have become VERY reclusive, but last night I decided to take a chance and check out some free live music at an Open Mic near me. The place was fairly crowded (which was already a bit uncomfortable for me) with mainly middle-aged men (which SHOULD have made me feel secure - since that is my peer group.) But after I was there for only a short time, I started to feel panic.
I left to go for a walk. I had my hands in my coat pocket and noticed that my right hand was twitching back and forth. I was aware of it happening, but somehow it made me feel a little calmer. It seemed weird (and made me think I might be going a little crazy) but I "felt" as though I could just stop it at any time - but I didn't. I walked all of the way across town with my hand twitching in my pocket until I reached the waterfront. I walked down to the edge of the water and stood with my shoes just at the edge of the lapping water and finally started to calm down. I consciously "transferred" the twitch to my left hand and then let it fade away.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night and have been feeling very depressed all day today.