Marc,

You are certainly not alone. One of the devious effects of CSA is that it can affect our "arousal template," that part of our sexual selves that tells us what we're attracted to.

I'm not sure if there's a cure or a solution to the problem, but talking about it here and in-person with a T is a good start.

Do not be ashamed or embarrassed about this problem, as it is not your fault. If your T acts uncomfortable with you sharing this, then find another T.

I, myself, am locked in an endless loop of recreating abuse that I don't even remember -- submitting myself to the will of white-haired men.

You are certainly not alone.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.