If you've read my story you may know that I've never actually met my survivor - at least not in person. We met online a couple years ago, on an online dating site of all places. We both hit it off and would have long conversations on gchat, at first once every couple weeks and building up to several times per week. I loved those conversations and I eagerly awaited the time that we would move beyond gchat to telephone conversations and finally meeting in person.
Then one week I needed to take my computer to the store for repairs. I told him that I wouldn't be online for a few days and he asked me for my number. I thought this was the moment I had been waiting for, that I would finally have a voice to go with the pictures I'd seen. But instead we only texted. I suppose I could have called him, but I had never really been one to make the first move and I know now that he almost certainly wouldn't have answered. So I waited.
And then I asked him. I asked if we could talk on the phone. He gave excuses. He was busy. He liked texting better so he could multitask. I knew he was busy; he is a medical student after all. But so am I. It made me feel like he just must not like me all that much if he didn't have time to talk on the phone even for just a few minutes every now and then. I told him as much. He said he had a stutter. I told him I wouldn't care, I'd like him just the same. Still no.
It was around this time that he first told me about his past. I immediately started reading as much as I could about CSA and some things made more sense with that knowledge. But I had the hardest time grasping why a phone conversation could be such a big deal. I kept bugging him about it and he hated it. He told me that I made him feel like a jerk. He said he couldn't give me what I wanted. Sometimes I would grow exasperated and just give up. I hated arguing with him. I hated upsetting him. It seemed like such a petty thing to be arguing about. But then that strong desire to hear his voice would crop up again. I would bring it up only to be shot down yet again.
It was only recently that I came to have a better understanding of why he so vehemently avoids talking on the phone. I read a post on here and suddenly a light bulb went off. I asked him if talking on the phone made him feel like he somehow didn't have control, and he said it made him feel really vulnerable. I finally understood. And I made up my mind not to pester him about it anymore.
But understanding doesn't take away that desire. Every now and then I feel almost overwhelmed with the strong desire to hear his voice. We've had some really good conversations lately and I feel like we are both in a good place. The thing is, the closer I feel to him emotionally the more I want to go beyond texting and hear his voice. But for his sake I keep quiet now.