Man, took a lot of courage for you to be so honest in that post. Well done. You've probably done some other guys some good, too.

If any consolation, what you described used to be a good weekend at the tubs for me.

I don't know if I can directly address the issues you raised, but in my sexual experiences the acts haven't been uncommon. Isolation from other gays? I don't know if I can give you any useful input there, either. G's response/insight, imo, is particularly good.

If you don't have one - most of the guys would probably say it anyway - find a good, empathetic T with whom your absolutely comfortable discussing your sexual activities. (For me, that has NOT included women, or men who have no clue about gay culture).

My concern is perhaps more mundane. And just something to keep in mind for the time when you're ready to deal with it. Sounds like your plate's full right now with other stuff. Deal with what you can as you're able, my brother.

When you're ready, I'd suggest a full battery of STD screens...clap, syph, hep, herpes, HIV. Yep, all of 'em. Do it anonymously with the city/county. That's a lot and anxiety-producing, but at least you'll know where you stand.

I've had clap a few times in my history, herpes, dealt with tertiary syph and have been poz over 20 years. Obviously I'm in no position to lecture anyone about anything. This may actually be a case in which being dissociative is useful. Perhaps treat it as helpful information and take the emotional component out. Here's an irony, you may like yourself better for having done it.

And keep posting, Randy.