During my release of repressed memories, I became a sexual freak reliving my past rapes through submission and also power that I never had. Disassociating the whole while. It seems I was with over 50-60 people during a 4 month period. Control over twinks to eventually allowing large older males to be very forceful on me and I felt that I deserved the punishment and severe pain of reliving rape because I knew that feeling and deserved it. I am dealing with this hard and heavy right now. Memories being unleashed with more details than I thought possible.
My past memories from the age of 4 when my CSA happened are confusing and not filled with details, just mostly glimpses, pain, smells, but never full faces. The sexual freak memories are extremely detailed and when each is released it takes a huge toll on me.
I have come to realize that I have backed away from all my gay friends and do not participate in any gay functions. Even though my partner, who is great and I have been together for 13 years. I can not be around other gays because I am uncomfortable. Some how I have linked this behavior to my homosexuality.
I wanted to get others input on this. Am I the only person to have gone through this to be filled with these emotions. I have never cheated or had sex out of a committed relationship before or after the sexual freak. I'm truly confused of the feelings of anger and hatred towards other gays.