Hello to others. I am a former child actor who went away to make a film as a boy and when it came out I was going through puberty. I recently have had a hard time with things going on during my adolescence. Now that I am looking more closely at it, many other earlier experiences have come to the surface.
It feels strengthening to have touched bottom and felt my self for the first time in 33 years. I have someone now who has overcome a big sense of shame about who I am. That person is myself.
Having overcome that, I now feel ready to feel many other experiences of shame that go back to being very young. My mother and father had an "open relationship" for 27 years, which meant that deeper attachments were never made in our family. My mother made peace with this in her mind, but not her body. I don't think she ever wanted this kind of relationship with him, but she created a long list of rationalizations.
As a result, she has been inappropriately enmeshed with me for my whole life and I feel a split in myself when I think about her.I have been spending two years confronting her and it has helped. I am still frequently dissociated in my interactions, especially with women. I have two young children and am separated from their own mother.
The split in me is partly a male-female one. I think what happened was that she never really wanted me to be a man because men had caused her enough problems.
Later in my childhood, my brother was molested by a stranger. He did not disclose this to me until 10 years ago. It took me a while but I started getting to the early memories. Now I realize that like my mother, he has been aggressive with me in a sexual way for many years.
I am the only person in the family who he seems to have told about it. I think that when I was very young, I created a strongly passive and sometimes female identity to deal with what he was trying tell me with his body about what happened. We were just boys and he had no other way to tell people. I remember when he started pulling down my pants while I was brushing my teeth. I think this probably around the age that it happened.
It's been very hard to put together all the pieces of this and to do it on my own while my family tries to listen but does not acknowledge much at all. My mother will give me real responses which can help. To get them I did scream a few times, but she was ready.
In order to write this I have had to take a deep breath and now that I read it back it sounds like I'm under water. I think that's because of the public nature of my life. I've never really felt that I had any room to experience all of these things. I really appreciate having this opportunity and I hope this doesn't all sound too confusing for an introduction, but it's what I have right now that serves the purpose.
Lose the drama; life is a poem.