You're asking the right questions. The alarm bells your body is setting off regarding your mother should not be ignored. Listen to what your body is telling you.
(And if you want to commiserate with someone about not remembering, I'm your guy.)
"There is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces... even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar." -- from Moby-Dick