I can't wrap my head around why I can't remember hardly anything about my mother from the ages before 12. Is it repressed memories? Was she just really never there for me? But here's the thing, my dad was always (I stress the word always) at work, yet I remember him clearly and plentifully. Yet my mom was a housemother. Why don't I remember her? Also, why don't I remember much of my childhood before 12 years old? I can remember things outside of home more easily, like school friends, neighbors, but when it comes to family and the whole home situation, it's blurry. Like when I try to grab for those memories they move away so I can't find them.

I've expressed my concern that I think I could've possible been abused by someone other than my cousin, so this isn't new. But I recently heard of the term "Covert Incest", could this have been the case with my mom? Nowadays she's always telling me how handsome I am, and when she's drunk I feel uncomfortable, like she seems more sexual toward me, and she's always playfully slapping my ass like you would with a partner, and it makes me so uncomfortable when she does that, I hate it. And she utterly HATED my first boyfriend, she tried her hardest to keep me out of that relationship almost like she was jealous. She even got my friends phone numbers (I have NO idea how) and went on a drunk rampage on them, I'd never been so shocked or embarrassed in my life, was my mom fucking crazy?

Maybe there is something in my past... But how could I ever know if I'm making it up or if it's true or if it's just me worrying about something that's not there?

From examining my past I can conclude these facts of abusive situations that affected me; my mom and dad were alcoholics, my brother was physically and emotionally abusive (and a drug addict), I had a completely inept brother who was disabled and has the brain of a 2 year old (Yes this was abusive, caused neglect), My cousin sexually abused me, his parents were shitty and in particular my uncle (His step-dad) emotionally abused me (and was a drug addict).

The two questions I ask myself are, did my uncle abuse my cousin physically(?), emotionally(known), sexually(?), and if so did he do so to me as well? And why the fuck can't I remember my mom? Especially if she was a stay at home mother?

I understand I may not know until I move away from my hometown the full extent of my childhood, my mind may be protecting me from those memories because I am completely dependent on my mom and dad right now. I think in order to fully recover I must move away from my hometown, and to any survivors here, have you had revelations after moving from your hometowns?


Edited by CloudyFalls (02/03/13 04:49 PM)
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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein