I wrote this to my sister, someone I feel a kinship to in abuse and recovery, out of a family of eight, the only one I feel this close to and only two that I currently have any communication. There are references to matters of spirituality but they are not the focus of this material, only collateral support for the recovery process.


I am still working through it sister, but this is what I have so far.

Your adamant love for Jehovah(Almighty God), His will and purpose struck a chord in my reasoning. Well, at first it was annoying.., sorry. I mean we have to take responsibility in a healthy, affirming way about our lives. Whatever we have taken on, we need to be invested in as I understand it. So to tell ourselves and others that if it works out or not is "God's Will", I cannot go there all the time. The OVER USE of our loving heavenly Father is overwhelming. "God will make me rich", "he will show us where to work make billions", "this corporate greed is my ministry to Jesus"! I just want to throw up! I have a comfortable certainty in my own abilities, something I have NEVER had previously. If Jehovah God did not want us to be that way, He would have stopped creating at rocks and had them praise Him. Jehovah God needs "me". He counts my hair and inspects my organs. I am specific and unique to him. I cannot give myself totally to Him, I am not a robot, I was not CREATED that way.

God does not trip us while we are walking anymore than he saves us from a fall. That, as Zephaniah 2:3 tells us, we need to "seek" and to "practice" those necessary things. It is up to us, and then due to Jehovah's loving kindness, we may "probably" be saved. As an abuse survivor, the parts that should affirm, validate and support me internally are broken, abused and dashed! These are the parts that should help me to feel good about my decisions and lead me to actions and adjustments. I tried to be a good Christian, I could not support the other necessary parts of myself even with God's Spirit because I do not have the internal workings I was supposed to be taught. As I became older, I was thrust into these decisions without the ability to sustain the energy to be consistent. I was destroyed in the process of raising a family, pursuing spiritual goals because the self awareness I needed to monitor my mental health was so badly damaged as to be inoperable. I was a train wreck before ever leaving the station. Every good thing I ever conceived to try failed. I gave up.

Ice cream is evil in it's succulent goodness. I mean really, it tastes so good frozen, but then turns into succulent cream as it melts. I am eating a half gallon! Ow! Ice cream headache!

The solution is to support and care for myself, to plan for these overwhelming negative feelings while listening in to the meetings or attending them. I have a need to forgive REPENTANCE(that is an important statement). I need to be that kind to myself to match and overcome the negative, terrifying feelings that overwhelm me. I need to simply acknowledge the shame and guilt the pain and suffering and be assertively appreciative of the innocent, struggling, imperfect man who is doing his damnedest to keep God's spirit in his life.

I need to smile, cry a little and wipe my nose, to encourage that person inside me that has been witness to the tragedy. I am my own protector/comforter/nurse. In that, I NEED to talk out fears, frights, shocks, bumps, jars and jumps. To tell me to have faith in God when I am struggling with a traumatic issue is tantamount to telling me to be warm and well fed. I have a strong faith, but I cannot be an Apostle, nor a full time minister and neither are a great many people of faith. Me and God can work with that. What I am seeking is a connection with those I love whom raised me to be a man of faith, but were terrible as parents. What they need to do is apologize so a clear message is sent, so I know they are safe people, that they will not hurt me nor perpetrate hurt any longer, that they have left that way. Until then, they are strangers to me, forcing this issue.

I love you sis, that wonderful memory and lesson came from your faith and my recovery, thank you.
Your brother,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014