I don't want to see the other version, the victim version, at all. I call it the monster, the thing in the bathroom.......No, I dont blame that thing of an abused boy. I hate it. I HATE IT. It's so fucking freakishly ugly, disgusting, and weak[
I hear you and can relate. But the smart, fun, happy boy that you love, and the "victim boy" that you hate are both
you. They are both part of who you became as a man. You can't take one without the other, you need to deal with them both to fully heal and overcome your terror.
For 22 years I knew that and wasn't hurt, wasn't consciously effected, didn't care.
For 42 years I swore I wasn't hurt, wasn't affected. That was all bullshit. A man shoves his dick down my throat and I'm not affected? Not much! 42 years of drug and alcohol abuse, and acting out sexually, broken relationships, lost jobs.... Maybe you haven't had to suffer through all that, but don't think for a minute that you escaped without a huge hole torn in your soul. A hole thats been there for 22 years.
Your current "pain and terror, shock and shame
", did not start last year, it started 22 years ago when you were abused. And its been buried inside you ever since waiting for you to deal with it. So DEAL WITH IT
. Deal with that "thing terrorized and brutalized into mindlessness
", because that thing is YOU
and you need each other.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell