You were only a child. A child of 4 doesn't know how to resist... Doesn't know how to fend off an attacker, like that. You were never gross & still are not. Your story sounds so very close to mine. The age during the abuse & the teenage style experimenting of your abuser is so close to what happened to me... Only he wasn't experimenting with a consenting equal, rather a small child. You never really had a choice in the matter... You were the victim.
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The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson