I feel so dirty and sick inside. I was watching this short documentary and there was this porn scene that came out of no where. It triggered me incredibly.

My abuser would pull out his dad's porn magazines and have me be the girl and he be the man. This became the routine. This went on for so long that I've done so many disgusting positions a kid that young shouldn't even know. I feel like a child porn star just because of the things I performed and let get done to me. whenever he pulled out the magazines and found something he liked, id be the girl. What she did, or got done to her, is what i did and got done to me. I have a feeling I was taped at some point by some adult. But I'm afraid to chase a fuzzy memory and create a false memory out of a feeling . but with how much I knew,I wouldn't be surprised,I did it like the professionals did... I was 4 when it started, around 6 or 7 when it ended (he moved onto girls).

That sudden porn scene lasted for about 5 seconds, and it played on a tv in the background when the guy being interviewed just put it in talking about his addiction. The girl in the porno reminded me of myself because of what she was doing...i feel so disgusted with myself. But my abuser was my only friend. So I agreed... Which is even more gross...

Sorry. I just needed to get the sick out of me....